Be Friendly to Your Fear

So either tomorrow or Tuesday I will go get the blasted chest x-ray that I have been putting off.  I partly don’t want to know if something is terribly wrong, or even mildly wrong with my lungs or respiratory system.  Then again, I do.  I really want to know. I want to give my body what it needs so that I can be who I came here to be. I want to put the work out there that only I can.

I don’t know the cause of the pain.

One of the bits of wisdom that I heard listening to “Big Magic”  was something along the lines of “create the art that I want to see.”  Write the words that I want to read.  Damn.  What do I want to read, at this time, at this place on my path?  Rewritten here for me, with lots of Liz Gilbert’s words from Big Magic and a few of my own:

Dear Sarah, Take heart, you have much to give, start giving it.  Every day.  Seriously.  Not like, with heavy seriousness, but with diligence, discipline and regularity.  Give it.  Show your creativity.  Let your love shine through your work.  You know that you have work that is good, that feels good to produce, to let it through.  You know that you have thoughts, feelings, observations, conclusions, opinions all beautiful and torrid, ugly and wet, stimulating and intriguing.  You have been encouraged for years by others, its time to step into your own self-respect.  You CAN do this.  You are accredited.  You have earned the PhD of life.  You have the experience, you have the love.  You have enough to give, and give and give.

The creative life you seek is here, already in place.  Open to it, practice it, be in it, daily.  Commit to it, you know you want to— you know you want to play the long game, creating for as long as you can whatever it is that you can.  I love you, God Loves you, your family and friends love you.  Get to it, show what you’ve got.  You know you don’t want to “die with your music still in you.”  You want to let it rip… let it roar, let it loose.  Give yourself that what you need to live in self-respect.  Meet your requirements.  Do your work.  Others’ judgements are their business.  You do you.  You create you.

Love, The Universe

I’m afraid, this upcoming excavation of the unseen may produce something I can’t change.  Or it may not.  I feel the fear of the uncontrollable.  Or it could just be the fear of dying without thoroughly giving my gift back.

In Big Magic, Liz Gilbert talks about welcoming her fear, as if on a road trip, alongside her and her creativity.  I loved this part.  It made so much sense to me— this idea that “be friendly to your fear, because its not going away.  Its part of the family.  But it doesn’t get to drive, it doesn’t get to change the music on the radio, it doesn’t get to navigate.  But it gets to stay.”  I really do feel afraid, but I also don’t want to be stopped by that.  Its just a feeling, a thing, that was put there to protect me and my creature.  But the fact is, I will face the truth of my condition, and I will be ok.

EKG Normal

After I saw my primary care doctor that day I found the EKG came back normal.  That was good news.  Although I remained unconvinced.   The doctor didn’t seem to think that my difficulty taking deep breaths is anything more than anxiety.  I shared that I have a homeopathic remedy for that.  And she did see fit to remind me that homeopathic are drugs.  I must have been slow on the uptake because she repeated it.  “You know those are drugs.”  Yeah, I do know.  I do know their side effects too— homeopathics don’t have any known side effects.  I suppose that was the edge— the one where I felt the rift in our belief systems and I think she did too.  She made a smile though, when I shared that I took her advice from last year’s visit and stopped drinking coffee.  There was a part of her that did look satisfied to hear that.

I left that doctors office with referrals for a chest x-ray and a cardiologist visit.  The fear of accepting something congenital and irreversible was subtle but persistent.  I was committed to doing whatever it took to rule out
“heart trouble.”

As I was leaving the building, I noticed the DO in the office adjacent.  He seemed happier, although still dogged.  He did seem more well rounded.  I felt inspired to ask if he took my insurance.  He did.  I asked if he practiced functional medicine to which he replied no.  He didn’t seem to know what it was.  I thanked him and moved on.

This is not an emergency

I’m at the Doctor’s office now.  My stomach is a little nervous, I can’t tell if its because of the Green Tea and AIP compliant Vanilla Power Balls or if its that I’m about to go in to see the doctor.  I slipped on the flooring— coincidentally the same “driftwood” tiling that we put in our kitchen this past month.  The remainder of the snow and ice was enough to slip on.  My heart beating quickly, is finally starting to calm.  Then I log in, and my health insurance card is coming back inactive.  I’m a little worried.  I thought the insurance is good for three years.  I am wondering if thats not true.  Whats going to happen today? Will I need to pay out of pocket?  How could I afford that?  I am also of the mind that I should be paying for the care I really want.

So, today as I want to be seen, and I want to investigate whats going on, I am paying $105, out of pocket. I spent 47 minutes on the phone with my provider.  I found that we have been out of coverage since July 31, 2016.  Oh my.  How fortunate we have been to not have an emergency in that time.

What’s Up with My Chest?

Inspired to share my experience healing as naturally as I can, from whatever, I started writing this content in January 2017.  So, I’m actually 3 months in the future– its April 6th, really.  Is that backwards transmuting?

January 3, 2017

While healing myself of different things in many different modalities isn’t new, what is new is my response to my chest pain on Saturday morning.  You see I’ve had chest pains on and off for about two years.  When I started the AIP protocol last January I persisted for 6 weeks with the diet, then stopped.  I started again in June and am just starting reintroductions now.  Black pepper is up first in my oral challenge.

Anyhow, all that is to say, when I went to the doctors complaining of shortness of breath, feeling unable to take deep breaths, and chest pains, I was advised to relax, breathe deeper and stop drinking coffee.  I resented and loved this advice.  I felt that as a stay at home mother of two kids under 9, that I was entitled to drink as much coffee as necessary to handle the day.  My complaints were rebuffed by the doctor, a mom of three, immediately who stated that if she could do it– stop drinking coffee and still parent, anyone can.

For July, August and September, I noticed that I had no chest pains at all.  I really felt that eliminating coffee had made a difference.  However, they returned sometime in November and have been on and off, very mild, at seemingly random times.  This past Saturday I did a super low intensity dance workout and found a sharpness in my chest, in the last 5 minutes.  I sat down, with a humble honoring of what my body was asking for in that moment.

So, for today, I am going to borrow your bravery dear reader.  I am calling my doctor’s office to see when a good time to come in is.

I have a feeling that I will get a referral to a cardiologist.  As I did last year’s physical.  Although, I am embarrassed to admit that I didn’t follow up. Two attempts at calling the office number provided didn’t work.  Trying to google the doctors name didn’t work. I stopped there.  I didn’t call back my primary doctor to ask for the information.  No.  I decided to not follow up.  Call it resistance.  Call it laziness.  Call it fear.

Here I am a year later, with more fear and greater resolve.  I know that my insurance won’t cover the functional practitioners that I would love to see. I know that if I want to locate my problem and solve it, I’m going to want to be a thorough as possible.  So, I will start with what I have.  I have insurance coverage for an allopathic MD, and an allopathic Cardiologist.  I will also consult the medical intuitive and if I need to, a functional cardiologist, out of pocket.

I am determined to build a recovery path for myself.  I’m not sure what that looks like yet.