So either tomorrow or Tuesday I will go get the blasted chest x-ray that I have been putting off. I partly don’t want to know if something is terribly wrong, or even mildly wrong with my lungs or respiratory system. Then again, I do. I really want to know. I want to give my body what it needs so that I can be who I came here to be. I want to put the work out there that only I can.
I don’t know the cause of the pain.
One of the bits of wisdom that I heard listening to “Big Magic” was something along the lines of “create the art that I want to see.” Write the words that I want to read. Damn. What do I want to read, at this time, at this place on my path? Rewritten here for me, with lots of Liz Gilbert’s words from Big Magic and a few of my own:
Dear Sarah, Take heart, you have much to give, start giving it. Every day. Seriously. Not like, with heavy seriousness, but with diligence, discipline and regularity. Give it. Show your creativity. Let your love shine through your work. You know that you have work that is good, that feels good to produce, to let it through. You know that you have thoughts, feelings, observations, conclusions, opinions all beautiful and torrid, ugly and wet, stimulating and intriguing. You have been encouraged for years by others, its time to step into your own self-respect. You CAN do this. You are accredited. You have earned the PhD of life. You have the experience, you have the love. You have enough to give, and give and give.
The creative life you seek is here, already in place. Open to it, practice it, be in it, daily. Commit to it, you know you want to— you know you want to play the long game, creating for as long as you can whatever it is that you can. I love you, God Loves you, your family and friends love you. Get to it, show what you’ve got. You know you don’t want to “die with your music still in you.” You want to let it rip… let it roar, let it loose. Give yourself that what you need to live in self-respect. Meet your requirements. Do your work. Others’ judgements are their business. You do you. You create you.
Love, The Universe
I’m afraid, this upcoming excavation of the unseen may produce something I can’t change. Or it may not. I feel the fear of the uncontrollable. Or it could just be the fear of dying without thoroughly giving my gift back.
In Big Magic, Liz Gilbert talks about welcoming her fear, as if on a road trip, alongside her and her creativity. I loved this part. It made so much sense to me— this idea that “be friendly to your fear, because its not going away. Its part of the family. But it doesn’t get to drive, it doesn’t get to change the music on the radio, it doesn’t get to navigate. But it gets to stay.” I really do feel afraid, but I also don’t want to be stopped by that. Its just a feeling, a thing, that was put there to protect me and my creature. But the fact is, I will face the truth of my condition, and I will be ok.